Have you ever felt like no matter what someone does or says it wont help the situation? I swear I have felt this way for some time about so many things. I just have a loss for words and actions towards people like this. I am happy with my new year so far, except Chuck being gone, but I know he will come back. :) Anyway not being able to get a grip on things that are out of your realm or even just outside of your comfort level is beyond weird and not a good feeling. I know this seems l ike I am rambling, but I just dont understand how you can change over night or how people continuously forgive things and keep moving as if it never happened, or maybe that is where I am nieve and they dont move on they hold that in and then one day the time comes and they explode. I just feel like if you cannot be open and you can live without someone or something in your life then there should not have to be this big effort to keep them in your life. Can you live a normal life without certain material things in your life? I know I can... I have done this for sometime now. I have goals, dreams and determination to get to where I want to be and to help others get to where they want to be too, but i want to be supported no matter what I do. I sometimes feel like I am lost and just getting by, and this could be possibly true because it feels so different that Chuck is not here. I like to be able to do my thing since he has been gone, but I enjoy doing my thing when he is here too.
Realizing things everyday really makes you wonder what you have done and accomplished everyday. I have started to teach myself how to meditate and clear my head of all thoughts good or bad, and it is an amazing feeling. I know this is a much needed practice by many but practiced by few. It is the most tranquil feeling I have ever had, but why is it so hard? Why do our brains decide when to turn off if you can even get them too? I have a freind who said to me once that she wished she could come back in another life, start as an old woman, and slowly get better everyday, and go through her whole life backwards, and end up in a belly of water and that is where you slowly get smaller and smaller and no longer have any life. When she said this to me, I thought OMG why would she say this and what is so wrong with her life where she would feel as if she would want to live her life backwards? But I guess when you dont know where to begin and sometimes half way through your life you can start again or maybe you just stop and dont know where to go from there? I feel this way sometimes, and I ask myself where do I go from here? What do you want from this? I love everything about life and especially where I am today, but it is still a concious thought of what if and where would I be if I hadnt traveled this path. I wonder where tomorrow will take me, but getting to tomorrow is the truest blessing I beleive. Anyway I know this is quite alot to think about, but another reason to have a blog for myself to speak aloud and not wait for responses, just get the words out and try to make sense of them. Until next time, Cheers!
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